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CURRENT brainnnotorious [CBN] opened memo on board NEWWORLDMUBBLEDUMBLE
CBN: um hi i guess. heres another board i open to mumble some nonsensable personal shit, get things straight here
CBN: its been so long for the last time i genuinely jetted things down for my inner interrogation process since i turned this corner of the web space to a personal literal experimentation block to make sure its self-absorbed enough to scare any able-bodied person away. yes im aware of that.
CBN: funny thing is i never use to talk to myself so much i mean
CBN: all of my
CBN: well not every but most of my words uaually have a clear object, not necessary a real physical object to interrogate with, a metaphorical one
CBN: now to think about it, i use to involve in a linear conversation that sticks with linear thoughts and instant responds
CBN: how sweet is that
CBN: (…and kanda weird out by the fact tho)
CBN: the preference on public space is to summon future me participate into this neurotic narcissism routine
CBN: what im working on here is related to you anyway
CBN: its our grandeur grandpa
CBN: who currently in hospital with that gruesome thrombus
CBN: some of his systems are giving him a hard time, several refuse to work their asses
CBN: they say this may be it
CBN: its his time or shit
CBN: …idk. its hard to find a feeling for the situation
CBN: u know hes dying as the matter of factor all along, whatever the feeling is its not sad
CBN: not sad at all
CBN: not saying i rather him to die sooner, that would be horrible!
CBN: i love him and you know its true
CBN: but it just ve been SOOoooo long, his illness and conditions
CBN: all the family members spreaded out to the different corners of the world now, like my aunt has been in paris for many years and now in switzerland, my dad was in japan and singapore for a decent amount of time right after i was born. and now, me, in US for so many years and perhaps wont even come back. its impossible for us to keep him in company
CBN: i was worried he getting lonely and stuff
CBN: hows that like? incapable of doing any thing beside of being barely alive?
CBN: how long its been? ten yrs? or longer?
CBN: 18 yrs. yes i do remember
CBN: …
CBN: the concept itself has already intimated me so much. tbh if i have that much time there all along only with me and my own thought, id probably write the longest novel in my head and then fucking kill myself
CBN: like, fall from the bed or sth alike, idk.
CBN: unimaginable. horrible indeed
CBN: truly i really refuse to think about that mostly bc that only make me feel sad and nothing more. its not like much i can do, herere only the sense of powerless and beaten
CBN: so its such a relief to know his time is coming
CBN: after all those yrs inmanly tortures, cruel as its signified, but peace is await
CBN: I never really get a chance to know him. I wish i could
CBN: some words from others are what i got
CBN: according to my aunt hes like a mountain. wtf is that analogy suppose to accomplish i asked. she said that means hes spiritually solid. apparently hes all about a reliable man agree upon everyone. dont talk much, awesome scholar, supreme rational and nice, loved by his student and all
CBN: sounds pretty much like an saint to me, or they just really dont wanna left anything negative behind that poor man’s back
CBN: a tad of personal experience here? hes nice as fuck
CBN: is there anything he cannot accomplish for a lil girl? hes pretty much like a superhero to me
CBN: if you still remember, he raise all kind of animal just bc i like to own them. we used to have so many rabbits and fish in that academy family house. good old days
CBN: the old man is the coolest among those stupid wimps i gotta say
CBN: then, how about now
CBN: how about those people who still alive and young
CBN: like, this lil wimp here yo
CBN: the thing is, im the alivest person around the entire fucking michigan st, but i dont feel it
CBN: i dont feel alive beside a bunch of old dump in my brain for like already a century or so and they are too old to even think about
CBN: isnt that hilarious??? whats going on in this poor young ladys mind anyway???
CBN: frankly idk beside being who i already am like totally awesome and shit, it seems for me that lve miss some important point on the dancing pool of personal development.
CBN: once i thought about being a scholar, and god know im a bio nerd like fuck
CBN: thats all i want to use to be
CBN: a caring friend, good ppl in general, have a simple life, and great at studying obscure things, thats about it
CBN: sounds super nerdy but i liked the idea
CBN: but then i couldnt pull the string
CBN: it was like trying too hard on being a person like somebody, but no matter how much i want to be a nice person or a reliable scholar, something else will pop up and saying nuh-uh, like saying go back to where you belong to
CBN: is that i subconsciously burdened too much values from my grandparents and belittle my reality too much? is that so?
CBN: more i try to get myself close to him, more i wrong about being alive
CBN: more i honor him through my actions, more i feel lost
CBN: probably im trying to grasp something not right for me
CBN: im too ambitious, energetic, and frankly, i dont give a fuck to how other ppl think or feel as long as they r not on my way
CBN: more of an villain than of a hero i suppose
CBN: I love to help people bc that make me feel so good
CBN: but probably mostly it just helps me to escape my problems, that i may disappoint him by not being a nice enough person
CBN: trust me the last thing id do is to disappoint him
CBN: ill broke bro, literally broke like smashing a piece of glass to the ground then mill the debris with hammer, that broke
CBN: but whats the point to live this life if i dont feel alive anymore?
CBN: can u believe it? i even thought about suicide
CBN: it scared me not bc ive never even thought of hurt myself, mostly bc it seems i only lived bc to make sure hes happy and to make up his lost.
CBN: i guess thats how much i loved him. thats how important he is to me, a perfect fathery character and a powerful gradian, a seemingly worth living life model, a omniscient god, and most importantly, a good person
CBN: hes been like an idol, a picture or statue of a lying Buddha, rest his unreachable rhyme of enlightenment.
CBN: but god forgive me if im obliged to be my best self, to be alive as fuck, like a colorful charade looking into this worldly madness. an artist. thats what id like to be.
CBN: i will disappoint him, but at the same time ill fly outside of that shadow like way much higher
CBN: and i just bear the mind that i loved him so, so much.
CBN: gtg, caw caw motherfucker
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